Some weird stuff happens in the Bible, no lie, and I’m makin’ a list! Here is what I’m finding in Exodus. There are bushes on fire, frogs in beds, darkness you can feel, food nobody can identify, water coming out of rocks, and Moses making everybody drink a golden calf. And somehow, that is not even all of it.
The Bush, The Bush, The Bush Is on Fiya
Moses sees a bush blazing with fire, but the bush is not being consumed. Naturally, he wanders over to investigate, and that is when God calls to him from the middle of it.
Moses Runs From His Own Staff
God tells Moses to throw his staff on the ground. It becomes a serpent, and Moses runs away from it. Then God tells him to grab it by the tail, because apparently this lesson needed an extra degree of difficulty.
Handy Little Sign
Moses puts his hand inside his cloak and pulls it out diseased and white. He puts it back inside, pulls it out again, and it is restored.
God Tries to Kill Moses
Moses is on his way to Egypt after God has just sent him there, and suddenly the LORD meets him and seeks to put him to death. Zipporah circumcises their son, touches Moses with the foreskin, calls him a “bridegroom of blood,” and the danger passes.
Exodus gives us three verses and moves on as though we are not sitting there with seventeen questions.
Aaron’s Staff Eats the Competition
Aaron throws down his staff and it becomes a serpent. Pharaoh’s magicians do the same thing with their staffs. Then Aaron’s staff swallows theirs.
The Nile Becomes Blood and Starts Stinking
The Nile turns to blood, the fish die, and the river smells so bad the Egyptians cannot drink from it. They begin digging around the Nile looking for water instead.
Frogs in Everything
Frogs swarm Egypt and get into houses, bedrooms, beds, ovens, and kneading bowls. When the frogs finally die, they are piled into heaps and the land stinks.
Dust Bunnies Would’ve Been Better
Aaron strikes the dust of the earth, and the dust becomes gnats throughout Egypt. The insects cover people and animals alike.
Pharaoh Chooses One More Night With the Frogs
Moses asks Pharaoh when he wants the frogs removed. Pharaoh says, “Tomorrow.”
Sir. There are frogs in your bed.
Darkness You Can Feel
Egypt is covered in darkness for three days, and Exodus describes it as darkness that “may be felt.” The Israelites, meanwhile, have light where they live.
Hands Up, Don’t Loot
Before Israel leaves Egypt, the people ask their Egyptian neighbors for silver, gold, and clothing. The Egyptians give it to them, and Israel leaves slavery carrying Egyptian valuables.
Follow That Cloud Unless It’s on Fire
God leads Israel with a pillar of cloud by day and a pillar of fire by night. At the Red Sea, the pillar moves behind Israel and stands between them and the Egyptian army.
Sea Ya Later
The sea splits, the Israelites walk through on dry ground, and the water stands like walls on their right and left.
Just Add Wood
The Israelites reach bitter water at Marah and cannot drink it. God shows Moses a tree, Moses throws it into the water, and the water becomes fit to drink.
Manna Is Weird
Mysterious flaky food appears with the dew, and the Israelites basically ask, “What is it?” It melts in the heat, grows worms and stinks if improperly saved overnight, yet the portion collected for the Sabbath does not spoil.
Water Comes Out of a Rock
The people need water, so Moses strikes a rock at Horeb with his staff. Water comes pouring out for Israel to drink.
Keep Your Hands Where I Can See Them
When Moses holds up his hands, Israel prevails in battle. When he lowers them, Amalek begins winning. Eventually Aaron and Hur sit Moses on a stone and hold his arms up until sunset.
The Mountain Starts Smoking and Blasting a Trumpet
Mount Sinai fills with smoke, the whole mountain shakes violently, and a trumpet sound grows louder and louder as God descends upon it.
Everybody Gets Sprinkled With Blood
Moses takes sacrificial blood and sprinkles it on the people while declaring, “Behold the blood of the covenant.”
So… Anybody Hungry?
Moses, Aaron, Nadab, Abihu, and seventy elders go up the mountain and see the God of Israel. Beneath His feet is something resembling a pavement of sapphire, clear as the sky.
Then they eat and drink.
Kinda Like Goldenseal
Moses burns the golden calf, grinds it into powder, scatters the powder over water, and makes the Israelites drink it.
That is one way to deal with an idol.
The Levites Go Through the Camp With Swords
In the aftermath of the golden calf, Moses calls for those who are for the LORD to come to him. The Levites gather, go through the camp with swords, and about three thousand men die.
Face to Face but Not His Face
Exodus says the LORD speaks to Moses “face to face, just as a man speaks to his friend.” Later in the same chapter, God tells Moses that no one can see His face and live.
Whatever “face to face” means here, Exodus makes it clear that Moses is not seeing the fullness of God’s face.
God Hides Moses in a Rock
God places Moses in a cleft of the rock, covers him with His hand while He passes by, and then removes His hand so Moses can see His back but not His face.
Moses Gets a Glow-Up
Moses comes down from Mount Sinai after speaking with God and does not realize that the skin of his face is shining. Everyone else notices, and eventually Moses begins covering his face with a veil.