Man, it’s summer and there is water everywhere—ponds, rivers, lakes, oceans, swimming pools —and yet here we are, curled up in $8 Sam’s Club pants, avoiding water like it’s the flu. Whether it’s fear, trauma, or just a healthy dose of “hell no,” there are a million good reasons to stay dry. And you know what? That’s perfectly fine. Maybe goldfish somewhere are quietly judging us, but I don’t have goldfish, so I don’t care. Whatever the reason people like us avoid water, embracing your hydrophobia might be the smartest thing you do all year.
On the serious side, water may be great for the inside of your body, but for the outside? It’s a legit menace. About 300,000 people drown globally each year, according to the WHO (The World Health Organization, not the real The Who), and that’s not a fear and phobia-induced stat – that’s a frickin’ PSA. Not to mention the fact that those “lazy country river” currents you see on Instagram (or in your friends’ Facebook feeds!) can jerk you underwater faster than you can say “Finding Nemo”. (By the way, you can check real-time streamflow and flood alerts on the USGS Water Dashboard – because surprise flash floods are not just a dramatic plot twist, they’re a real risk.)
Cold-shock response is a real thing: one second you’re cannonballing to impress your friends, the next your heart is palpitating like a hummingbird on crack and you are unable to move your limbs or control your breathing. And lest we forget things like submerged logs, sudden drop-offs, and mystery goop that nature refuses to label (but I will label it….just not here… @ me on Facebook and I will say the WORDS!)
And sometimes, it’s not even what’s in the water—it’s the water itself. We have all seen the horrific news coming out of Camp Mystic in Texas, where flash flooding in July 2025 swept through the campgrounds taking so many young lives with it. That was real life, and it happened in minutes. You think your summer float trip isn’t risky? Nature has receipts. Want a deep dive into what went wrong at Camp Mystic—and who might actually be held accountable? This guide, ‘Camp Mystic Flood Tragedy: Lawsuits & Who’s Responsible,’ lays it all out.
So much grossness exists beneath the surface. Like, why would the Harpeth Conservancy publish water quality tests online if this weren’t an issue? And your favorite beaches even post warnings on the oceanfront!
It is true and recorded that people have DIED from brain-eating amoeba and Leptospirosis from swimming in freshwater lakes and ponds. I’m talking young, healthy people. I’m not exactly young, but I’m healthy, so no thank you. You have neon-green algae blooms that look like a potential business idea for a fad spa treatment, but they are basically the Chernobyl of water-borne disease catastrophes. Leeches lurk in ponds, and everybody who has seen “Stand By Me” doesn’t want any part of that. If that doesn’t scream “stay dry,” I don’t know what does. Don’t you people watch “The Monsters Inside Me”?
Also, have you ever considered the pesticides and crude oil residue you might be wading through or accidentally swallowing? Or how a rogue patch of algae on a rock is basically nature’s banana peel? And pollen—from flowers to freeze-dried air—loves to hang out in stagnant water, turning your swim into a front row ticket to Sneeze-a-palooza. Trust me, your sinuses will send you a thank-you card come November.
Need pop culture references to drive it home? Jack in Titanic—he gone. Dammit, Rose. Quint in Jaws—he gone. Devoured by a shark. Ethan Hunt – he almost gone in MI:5 Rogue Nation. Mark Wahlberg in The Perfect Storm? Never stood a chance.
Now let’s break this down into cue cards you can show your employer when they encourage you to attend their annual team-building canoe & kayak float down the Harpeth River. Sorry Hank. Jenny no kayak.
Ponds? Full of parasites, leeches, and algae blooms that look like day spa treatments but act like chemical warfare. Rivers? Strong currents, snakes in trees, cryptosporidium, slippery rocks, and flotsam that could take out your shin in one swoop. Lakes? Cyanobacteria, submerged trees, and something called “swimmer’s itch” that sounds fake but absolutely is not. Oceans? Salt, sharks, jellyfish, stingers, dehydration, plastic—like drinking a margarita made by Poseidon’s angry ex-wife. Even swimming pools, man. Chlorine rashes, bleach-blond regrets, and rogue Band-Aids floating like tiny white flags of surrender.
Here’s why those of us who live by the “Don’t go near the water” mantra can claim upper level intelligence. I submit that avoiding water makes you resourceful and observant. Can’t swim? Don’t WANNA swim? Kiddie pool or slip ‘n slide. That’s water enough.
Watching wildlife from shore sharpens your senses and eyesight —ducks, blue herons, and bunnies make me want to sing “Myooo tyuu ULL of O ma HAA is people…” [sic] (you gotta be over 50 to get that one). If you are younger than 50, go Google “Wild Kingdom” or “Marlin Perkins”… or just listen here: Mutual of Omaha | Vintage Ad | Classic Jingle.
Listen, I love the sound of waves lapping as much as anybody else, but I can hear it loud and clear from the shoreline. And while you’re on the shoreline, stay entertained. Catch up on the HOA drama and buried secrets over in Days of Our Lawns —because mystery is way safer than murky water.
So my advice is this —celebrate your fear of water. Tell your friends with the boats and the lake houses to MISS you. Because whether you’re steering clear of musty socks, slimy, blood-sucking parasites, or just trying to avoid being the next subject on the Sharks Beware YouTube Channel, you have way more reasons to stay high and dry than you probably realized.
So if anyone asks, tell them you’re not hydrophobic—you’re hydrowoke (that’s a new word I just made up. I’m so funny!). This is the only wokeness that will be allowed on this blog. Bet.
Copy the URL at the top of your browser and send it to that water-loving friend who won’t stop texting ‘you in? (Lake girls… I’ll put this in the group text…🤣🤣🤣)